Little Girl Lost: The Diary of Kate Austen
by Katherine Austen
Summary: What if Kate started a journal? What would you discover as you opened the pages? My take on Kate's life, before the crash and after. Written just before and after the finale.
1. Chapter 1

**TITLE: **Little Girl Lost: The Diary of Kate Austen

**AUTHOR:** Kate of Claire and Kate

**DISCLAIMER**: Don't own anyone, but can I at elast have a polar bear or maybe some scrap metal? Plllllllllease? pouts

**NOTES: **This is a random idea I came up with and felt I would enjoy doing, I adore Kate and relate to her so I thought this would be a fun/emotional experience. Please R & R! I'd love yo hear any input you guys have to share :) As always, dedicated to my Claire.

**SUMMARY**: What if Kate started a journal? What would you discover as you opened the pages? My take on Kate's life, before the crash and after. Written just before and after the finale.

- - - - - - - **L O S T** - - - - - - -

Fifty odd days. Fifty odd days since we crash landed here. I'm alone with my thoughts more then I want to be. Okay, maybe this is a crappy way to start a journal, but, it's helping. I've never been the journal type. Part of the reason is, I've never had much privacy. I could have never had a journal at home because who knows whose wands it would end up in. When I finally got my privacy, I didn't have the stability to keep a journal, that was the last thing on my mind. I don't want anyone to see me writing this here either. I could just imagine Sawyer anxiously awaiting his chance to snatch it up and read through for his name. There you go, Sawyer! One Point! Wait, make that two.

I'm not the best with introductions, and I'm not even sure I need to make one. Maybe inside to do hope someone, someday will find this and read it. I've heard before that people don't keep journals for themselves, they keep them for other's. So that other's can read them, or something.

I'm surprised I even remember how to write. It's been so long since I've sat down and written anything. When I was young I used to write little stories, stories that helped me escape.

...I don't regret it. No, not now, and I never will. I regret things that happened after, and even before, but in killing him, I killed every moment of... I don't know how to describe it in words. I don't regret it, but I'm not happy either. I thought doing it would set me free, give me a sense of who I really am, but sitting here now I feel more confused, more alone and more empty then I ever have been. And yet, I'm not even alone for once.

This is how my brain works, random thoughts, random ideas. So this? Random journal, my place to let loose.

I'm trying to find a start...and I've already written a lot. I thank Claire for giving me this idea long ago, and I thank this damned island for making me insane enough to go through with it. I don't know where I'll hide this, but I've carried around this empty notebook since I found it in the hatch and it's taken some time to actually sit and write in it.

Hmmm, it's late, I'm tired, but there's still so much to say.

Who AM I? I'm not even sure I know. Some girl, hidden behind and average name with a far from average life. Katherine Austen. Even the name is a facade as I'm not even truly an Austen, and that thought alone makes my stomach turn.

Somedays I really miss my Mom and the way she'd french braid my hair or how we'd take bubble baths together when I was really small. It breaks my heart just to think about her, she basically stabbed me in the back...but I can't hate her. Love makes you crazy...and she felt she was in love. You can't think, breathe or even sleep sometimes. I know that first hand.

I'm needed, Sun needs my help with something so I better go. It's nice to feel needed, and that's one thing I love about this place, is the fact that i finally feel important.

I'll write again soon,

Kate


	2. Chapter 2

_**NOTES:**_ Repost :) Messed up something and it bothered me not to fix it, so here we go!

---------------- **L O S T** ----------------------

How childish is it that I lied about Disneyland a while ago? I know this is random, but I said it before, random journal! I played this game with Sawyer, I never. And he mentioned Disneyland. I didn't drink, see, you drink if you have done what they say. Example, I never wore a string bikini, if you have, you drink. I'm not even sure if it was lying that I did...it's more like I got caught in a memory for a moment and just didn't want to say Yes. It's one of those few happy moments that I have...

I went to Disneyland a few times when I was younger. My Dad and I would fly out for a few days whenever he had enough free time to do so. I can't describe how it feels to walk into that park. Its like every negative feelings rolls right off your back. It was my escape. I was eleven the last time I left the park and my heart sank. Dad bought me one of those autograph books and we stalked every character possible to get them to sign it. I've only been a few times, but I remember it all so clearly. If I close my eyes and think hard, I can smell the air...the air in Pirates of the Caribbean. You can't describe the smell in words, but anyone who has ever been to Disneyland knows that smell just as well as I do.

I could smell it on the wind today. I was walking to the hatch and I smelled it, strong. I closed my eyes and my whole childhood flashes before me. At least the few good memories I have. The air felt cool and I could almost hear the robotic pirates singing and I smiled, even if only for a moment.

I don't like to stop and think about the future here. I've done so before, but it makes it hard for me to breathe and my heart feels heavy. Everything that's happening here on the island, I'm not sure what I would choose, here or the real world. Though here, I have people who care about me, or at least seem to. They all know now who I am, though they're not sure what exactly I did. For a while they didn't exactly like me, they felt betrayed but they're accepted me. Perhaps because they can see I'm not such a bad person, I just did a bad thing. Though I may not find it so bad, I found it necessary. We all do bad things though, regardless if we regret them or not. No one's perfect, and though sometimes I'm scared for my life here, I feel somewhat safe. I know if anything happened to me, they'd come find me. Maybe I put too much faith in everyone, but they don't let me down.

Jack and Sawyer. Jack and Sawyer. I can say those two names over and over again and just not know where to start. I won't start now though, it takes too much time and emotion and right now Sawyer's staring at me. Perfect! He did this earlier and came over, of course he wanted to know what I was writing. Thanks to me quick thinking I was able to scare him off for a while, I told him I was writing detailed accounts of my periods and dates and times and the look on his face was priceless, score one, Team Kate! He sat with me for a little bit and I sat on the book just incase he tried to grab at it. Though luckily if you mention anything having to do with Periods around the male sex they don't take to it well and avoid anything regarding the subject. But he's still watching me, he thinks I don't notice but I can see him peeking out from the side of his glasses now and then trying to look like he's NOT checking me out. He's always checking me out, at first it was annoying but I've grown used to it. It doesn't bother me, not at all. I guess I almost kind of like it because...well, I don't know I guess I'm a little flattered? Even if Sawyer's brain is 99 of the time controlled by his penis. Maybe not 99 ...but its close.

Didn't I saw I wasn't going to talk about those two? Insert big fat sigh here. I guess since I mentioned one, I have to mention the other, it's only fair? Jack's been...cold lately. It seems like when things get tough or he finally starts to open up he goes and pushes me away. I guess it's his defense mechanism. Why does it seem that it's EVERYONE'S defense mechanism to push people away? I'll admit, I'm guilty of doing the same now and then.

Somebody's arguing. I can't tell who from here but I better run over and attempt to be mediator. This is always fun. I'll write more when I can.

-Kate


End file.
